They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
