btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
