I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
