oh god the rape fog is back!
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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