note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
