I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
