Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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