he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
