theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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