I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
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