he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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