So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
