I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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