youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
