you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
