Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
