can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
