is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
