remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize