I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
