8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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