what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
