if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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