i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
