mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
