ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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