My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
