so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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