Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
