I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
