waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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