I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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