thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize