You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
