Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
