I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
