i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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