i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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