take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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