I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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