Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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