So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
"it" just moved
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
