if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
