I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
