and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
