This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
