they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
why is half of my head shaved?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
