I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
