you have to choose: penises or morals?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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