It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
please come you make the beer taste better
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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