i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
