He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
