Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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