I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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