You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
