Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
