Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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