Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
