Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm just crazy horny about you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
