Is it normal to miss your booty call?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
