I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
